Leave the gun, take the cannoli

Approximation of a conversation I just had in a pub:

My roommate, Siobhan, my friend from ND, Annemarie, and myself are all at a pub in Galway. We are talking, laughing, having a grand old time. I excuse myself to go to the bathroom. When I return, I notice a man sitting at our table who was not there before. He had a slightly... crazy look in his eyes, and as Siobhan and Annemarie were not talking to him, I decided to ignore him as well and just carry on as if he was not there. He actually did get up and leave. All of a sudden, I feel someone's breath on my neck and this voice REALLY close to my ear:

"Mind if I join you?"

I think I jumped and yelled something like, "Oh God!" This man takes a seat at our table.

Man (again): Mind if I join you?
Me: No... uh... you're fine... you just scared me.
Man: Oh, now that's an American accent.
Me:...yep.
Man: I don't have a problem with that or nothing.
Me: That's nice.
Man (to Annemarie): What's your name?
Annemarie: Annemarie.
Man: And where from, Annemarie?
Annemarie: Philadelphia.
Man: Ah, Philly. I've been there.
Annemarie: Sweet.
Man: D'you believe me?
Annemarie: That you've been to Philly?
Man: Yes.
Annemarie: Sure... I guess so.
Man: Cuz I have. It's tough. You know. There on the South Side. But I'm from Kilkenny, you see. That's very tough. Tougher than Philly. Tougher than any city in the world. And where YOU from? (swiveling abruptly to me)
*(N.B.: I have decided to tell everyone I meet in Ireland that I am from Chicago, because the idea of explaining the concept of Iowa/rural Illinois every time someone asks sounds exhausting. Until I get to know someone, I'm from Chicago. So.)
Me: Chicago.
(This man stares at me. I think he hasn't heard. I raise my voice.)
Me: CHICAGO.
(continues to stare. Not even cocking his head, like "I acknowledge that you've spoken, I just can't hear you." No. Nothing. No notice he's heard a word.)
Me: CHICAGO.
Annemarie (helpfully): The Midwest.
(blank stare from man)
Me: CHI. CA. GO.
(beat. No one says anything. He continues looking at me with crazy look in his eyes. I stare at him, trying to figure him out. Then:)
Man (to me): WHY ARE YOU STARING AT ME???? (turns to Annemarie)I'll never visit America. Know why? IT'S A FASCIST COUNTRY. (meaning he has NOT been to Philly)

Neither of us could formulate a response to this.


Man ( to Annemarie): Are you on holiday then?
Annemarie: No, we're both students. At NUI (National University of Ireland).
Man: National University of Ireland at Galway?
Annemarie: Yes. (bear in mind we are IN Galway, and although there are other NUIs, why would we be in Galway if we were attending the one in say, Maynooth?)
Man: I go to GIT (Galway Institute of Technology). You're better than me.

Now what in God's name are you supposed to say to that?

At this point, the man's friend comes over. As Siobhan said, giving credit where credit's due, the friend seemed to be acutely aware how creepy his friend was. After listening to a few more bizarre lines of dialogue, he said, "All right man, let's have a talk." The creepy man was reaaaalllyyyy resistant, but finally he let himself be pulled away. But not before this:

Man (to me): I can tell you're a member of a crime syndicate.
(Annemarie actually choked on her drink at this.)
Me: ...what?
Man: Chicago. Gangsters. You're part of it. I can tell.
(meaning he DID know what Chicago was the whole time!)
Man: THE CAPONES! YOU'RE IN IT!!!!
Me: I'm not a Capone, man.

end.